Never again..... right?

Even while still deeply immersed in this dream I think I knew what it was about, at least part of the time. The rest of the time I simply flowed with it until it was time to take control. My lucid dreaming skills are getting better - I didn't let it get away, but didn't micro manage the events either. A much younger version of me, yet one who had already been through what I have been through - paradox but hey, it was a dream. Somehow I had drawn the very deep interest of a man who was the image of David Tennant, voice and mannerisms and all. I knew it wasn't really him, but it was irresistible being wooed by The Doctor or a rather human version of him, so I went along with it. Then he took me out on a rather small boat, into rougher waters than were safe for a boat that size. When I inquired about life vests he basically said not to worry so much. He would not let anything happen to me. Several close calls later, we landed safely, but I was not thrilled. Several fuzzy misadventures later I finally confronted him about his apparent indifference to my safety, and he persisted in saying that he would not have let anything happen to me. As much as I would have liked to simply go along, my self preservation, and memories of past men who lacked adequate care for my well-being, combined to help me decide enough was enough. It would be a long walk, but I preferred to walk home rather than risk my life again. I never looked back despite his pleas. Some time later I was wending my way home, befriending animals I met and avoiding dangers, and finally decided I needed to stop for the night. I turned around and there he was. He had followed silently all that way, to protect me and let me know that was how much he cared. He was wearing 'that' look - the one full of pain and longing - that always turned me to jelly. He begged for a fresh start, and I agreed, making sure he knew that I was not forgetting past transgressions, merely moving on. We wound up spending the night sharing a rather large wheelchair and ottoman in lieu of a bed, and I was distinctly aware of the flash back to time spent in various hospitals with my late husband, and all the wheel chairs he had used, and was not comfortable but I was determined to use the past as a guidepost rather than allow it to drown me and any chance of future happiness. I was also determined not to let this sweet talking impostor get away with endangering my future, however much he appealed to me and made me feel. When I woke I determined to write this one down to keep it fresh, because the lessons were so clear, but so were the delightful sensations entailed by being so determinedly pursued by this replica of one of my favorite characters. The boat ride was alarming and the argument was totally me looking after myself finally, but my visceral response to the look on his face when he revealed he had been following was all a woman could ask, and certainly indicated that if the right man came along I am not quite as on the shelf as I have been thinking - I just need to be wary and not just 'go with the flow' without checking for leaks, rocks and never again without a life jacket!

Tested by the Light

At first, upon awakening, I did not recognize the 'world' I had been visiting. As I pondered it, however, flashes of insight soon clarified that I had, in fact, been on familiar spectral turf, simply at an earlier time or a much later time, rendering it somewhat unfamiliar. It was the world of massive cities, monster waves, endless lodging complexes, swimming pools big enough to have tides and an almost beehive social structure. More on that later. In the beginning this time I was already a known member off the society, but of low standing, snubbed and looked down on - a loner with too much pride for my station, but finally determined to move up. For unlike caste societies it is possible to be upwardly mobile - if you have the nerve. The method was kept a deep secret, which added to the fear factor - few outside those born to the upper echelon were willing to dare the unknown test/challenge/trial. You only got one chance, and failure sent you right back to the common mass with no loss of actual status, but the knowledge of that failure as a mark of shame. I was sure that many more had tried and failed without ever having told anyone of the attempt simply to avoid having to admit defeat to friends. I was also fairly sure that many of those who were the most rigid, intolerant and spiteful were those secret failures. So I decided to be different - I told all of my friends what I planned, ignored praise and condemnation alike, and simply waited for the day assigned while going about my business as usual. As the day came closer only the highest optimists and nastiest defeatists remained - the others sort of faded into a watchful background to see the outcome. For win or lose, there would be no hiding the result. On the appointed day I was greeted solicitously by a group of upper echelon medics, with a wheelchair close at hand and guarded concern on their faces. I was offered the opportunity to sit in the wheelchair for the trial - they seemed to assume I would be in it by the end anyway - so I thanked them graciously and affirmed my intention to stand. They could not refuse, and simply told me where to stand. There would be a deep interrogation, I was told, but not the form it would take. This seemed odd - why would I need a wheelchair after a bunch of questions? But there was no answer forthcoming and I retained my dignity by refusing to beg for the not-forthcoming clues. At last, dressed in a white short robe - a cross between an acolytes robe and a hospital gown - I was left alone in a room facing the direction prescribed. The lights went down, then suddenly I was struck by a force that rocked my on my feet - not a physical battering but a sort of intense combination of light and heat that was so powerful I was nearly knocked down. Instinctively I had closed my eyes against the glare, but realized that the intensity was only initially intolerable after the darkness in which I had been standing. Cautiously I opened my eyes and was not blinded, though everything around me was slightly blurry. That seemed more a result of a sort of vibration I was feeling. This force, whatever it was, seemed electromagnetic in nature, yet intelligent. My entire being was literally being inspected from the inside - every cell was being examined, every thought scrutinized, every dream noted. At first I had stood there, head down against the seeming glare, but as it seemed I was not being harmed I gradually raised my head until I stood proudly at attention - or perhaps parade rest - relaxed, but attentive. Whatever was happening I no longer felt fear - only intense curiosity - and I sensed that my response pleased the interrogator. I had entered willingly into this trial, not knowing what I was up against, aware that failure was a distinct possibility, but determined to dare it for the benefits that would accrue. Not even so much for those, though they were certainly attractive - more for the satisfaction of having finally made a move that wasn't dictated by fear. Once I had lifted my chin I found that I could literally lean into the insubstantial 'wind' of this force - it seemed to be made of light and heat and vibration and thought all at once, but palpable as a strong wind. Then, as suddenly as it had begun it was over. I staggered slightly, but retained my footing and was standing tall when the medics and others opened the door. Normal lights seemed dim and - boring - after the intensity I had just experienced. As it hit me that I had passed inspection/interrogation - the test - I felt a euphoria like nothing ever before. Not so much that I had done something - what had I done, after all, except dare the unknown? But when I had felt the Light probing into my very being I had willingly opened myself for the inspection, not attempting to hide anything. Not that any such attempt would have availed, but there is a difference that comes from the attitude of freely offering myself. I was a little light headed, but absolutely happy. The 'drones' buzzed around me, checking for burns I guess - I was too caught up in the rapture of the moment to care what they did. They took the wheelchair away as I continued to stand, with every appearance of one awestruck and dazed - which was accurate. Finally I was given a warm robe to put on over my acolyte robe - for which I was grateful. After that deep internal heat (microwave level perhaps?) I was feeling chilled as well as bleary. Sudden cramps, nausea, forced me to find a seat, and I curled around the sudden empty feeling - like a vacuum in my gut. It passed in a minute - as though the lat of the interrogator had finally left me. The others barely took note of that momentary weakness - they had seen far worse - hence the wheelchair. Apparently many - most in fact - postulants were willing to take the test from the chair to avoid the discomfort or humiliation of falling down under the intensity of the test. A few had opted to try standing but sat quickly once the test was underway. I was the only one of a very few who had remained erect for the entire test, but was the only one found staring upward, rather than with closed eyes downcast. When one young woman hesitantly asked me about that - sotto voce to avoid being reprimanded by the others - I told her that my one regret was not having lifted my head sooner once I had realized I could lean into the force and be supported by it. That had been my clue that all was well, that this was not a destructive or punitive thing. In fact my new deep knowledge told me that in the course of the inspection all disease, bad bacteria had been destroyed, flaws in my structure repaired. I was better than new. I was presented with my new 'uniform' - an upper class outfit that fit beautifully yet comfortably, complete with a pair of high heeled shoe that told anyone looking at me that I had passed the test. Then I was led to a room - my new quarters - with a large comfortable bed. Apparently no matter how well previous postulants had fared they all required at least a full night of sleep afterwards, if not a day or two in bed. I lay down - it was indeed comfortable - but shortly got up, donned my new clothes - including those shoes - and headed out to see the world though my new eyes. It was a matter of pride as much as anything else; I wanted to see and be seen! There was a faint lurking fear that perhaps I was being too proud - that this would backlash on me - but in the back of my mind I heard/felt an indulgent chuckle that told me it was OK. So, while I didn't know if this new inhabitant in my head was a permanent fixture, a temporary guest while I got my bearings, or simply a part of me that had been there all along and I hadn't detected, it didn't matter. As with the test itself I was resolved to face this unknown with head high and accept what happened next. As for the shoes - I had never done well with heels, but these fit perfectly, and with my new euphoria like a string out of the top of my head holding me up, I found them quite comfortable and easy to walk in. So I strutted. The test had been scheduled late in the day, apparently because of the usual need for sleep afterwards, so the corridors of the complex were nowhere near as busy as usual. However I was gratified to see a few people I knew, including some who knew of my test. The ones who had mocked, scoffed and been negative took in my attire and attitude and by their nature either greeted me with new deference, some tinged with resentment - I had not seen fit to fail, per their expectations - or slunk away as if they hadn't seen me. It didn't matter to me. I had accomplished what I had set out to do, and was a new person now. Of those who had been supportive, oddly, the split was almost even with the same responses as the pessimists, except for a precious few who sincerely congratulated me with no resentment or fear. Those I recommended to take the test themselves. The best was when I encountered those of the upper class who had acknowledged my existence before the test. Most simply greeted me as though they had know me all along as one of their own - saving face against astonishment. A couple were curious enough to ask questions - like when had I taken the test - obviously assuming I had slept a day and a night after the 'ordeal'. They were honestly amazed when I informed them that I had only just completed it, and had not felt the need for sleep, but rather the need to walk off exhilaration. There were a couple knowing smiles, a couple wistful sighs, and then simple acceptance. There would be the usual social adjustments, but nobody could challenge my new status. I wondered, however, how many of them had that little voice in their heads...

Lay your body down

This was more of a waking dream. I was listening to CSN and the line came up "Mother Earth will swallow you, Lay your body down". I had heard it many times before, without any sort of response - it was a logical follow through to the song idea.

However, this time I had a flash of insight that startled me.

Imagine a world where the planet truly is a goddess - Gaia for example. The people of this world are very aware that they tread the surface of their mother deity, and in general try to live good lives. The highest honor is a form of sacrifice - to lay down in a shallow grave and be accepted back into the bosom of the earth. A hero, or merely a person who has lived well and is tired, will be accepted and drawn into the earth, home to the goddess.

If, however, one has not lived well, no matter how long they live, how decrepit they get, they are not accepted - the earth rejects them and they must continue living. They will not be accepted back to the bosom of the goddess until they have atoned for ill deeds, made reparations to those wronged, and/or done well long enough to balance their former misdeeds.

The Egg

In this dream I found what appeared to be a root-ball that had been partially uprooted. Thinking I was doing a good deed I dug a shallow hole and planted it. I was told, shortly thereafter, by panicked locals, that this plant was a dangerous thing, highly invasive, so I dug it up. However, I was unwilling to simply let it die, so I replanted it down the road, in an unpromising stretch of overgrown, shaded woods.

I later saw terrified children digging it back up and depositing it gingerly - wearing protective gloves - in a dilapidated garbage pail, which was left there when they fled. I learned that this particular plant will take advantage of wherever it is planted and still be dangerous.

It seems that it is not so much a plant, in the way we normally think of plants, as an idea - an egg. It had been disturbed prematurely, wakened at the wrong time, and was now on a different path than it would have had it been allowed to ripen fully. There was no hope for it to revert to its former benign nature - the only answer was to keep it from rooting at all, and slowly die and be reborn.

These eggs, these ideas, when discovered just under the surface, must be either immediately recognized, understood and put to use - ripe - or immediately reburied before they could waken, as this one had, angry and vengeful, like a furious genii, dangerous to all. The markings on the surface could be read clearly if the egg was ready, and it was the grave responsibility of the finder to determine if the egg should be re-interred or brought fully awake. Sadly the one I had found had already been disturbed but not recognized for what it was, allowed to begin to waken and grow out of season. In a way it was good that I had found it, so it could be properly enclosed in a place it could not grow.

Nobody was happy if a disturbed egg had to be allowed to wither - who knew what great help it could have been if it had been able to complete its maturation. In its next incarnation it might be something completely different - still potentially useful, but the lost idea was mourned by all.

Making a start

I have been meaning to start a record of my dreams, visions, spiritual wanderings and odd notions, and since I spend more time at the 'puter than at my desk this blog is the result.

I do not expect many readers, as this is mostly a way for me to mull and muse on the strange stuff my head comes up with, but comments are welcome - just no flames please. These thoughts are the accumulated recollections of many years coalescing at last into words, so that I can go back and see how accurate my memory of certain dreams might be, and to keep track so I don't have to remember all the details.

Briefly, I have had an extraordinarily active, vivid dream life from a very early age. These dreams are almost universally full color, stereo sound, full sensory experiences, many taking place in a single world to which I return as if to an alternate home reality. Others are clearly just the commonplace sort - the stuff of stress and daily living, and are, by comparison, relatively uninteresting except for their vividness. The latter will only be recorded here if I suspect they might hold the seed-pearl for a story. All are to be considered my personal property, and may not be reproduced or used for any purpose without my express permission.

The primary location of my other world may have a name, but in the dreams I don't think about such things, any more than one thinks about 'I am on the planet Earth, in the Solar System of Sol on the edge of the Milky Way galaxy'. It simply is home, and I know my way around most of it quite well, and periodically explore new places in it, much as in this world one knows ones home town, but still visits new places occasionally.

My known world consists of a huge city with a river on one side, a big one with an equally huge bridge crossing it. The bridge is so big the support ends are also high rise apartment buildings. It is about 6 lanes on each side, and getting on and off can tax ones patience. The riverside road has a lengthy walkway that extends on into the suburbs and surrounding country in one direction and to the ocean in the other. The ocean front part includes extensive contiguous buildings where one may travel indoors in inclement weather, making ones way to restaurants, theaters, even schools, all under one long roof. Passage to the outside - either the road or the beaches - is easy, and convenient.

Up the river leads to hills and farmland, including ice-covered mountains and expansive bedroom communities. As the river narrows far upstream away from the shipping it is possible to canoe and swim, or fish. Ah, the fishing in this world is amazing :-)

Of course one can fish in the lower river too, as well as the estuary portion. and the ocean as well, but there it can become a question of who is going to win the battle... especially since some of them get quite large and intelligent.

Back in the City there is a business district (fairly boring by comparison) a Bohemian downtown where the theater district and many restaurants vie for attention. Uptown is more residential, with parks of many sorts - some elegant monuments to some past event, with huge fountains and formal bench seating, others well wooded and serene, others with attractions - two different zoos and an amusement park in one.

One might enter a grocery store from the street entrance, continue through to a clothing store of multiple levels, on through hallways to museums, movie theaters, opera houses or The Planetarium, again, all under one roof, and most often underground.

When places like K-Mart & Walmart began appearing, with their all-in-one shopping it was weird to me - I had been living in a world with that convenience for over 30 years already :-)

The Planetarium is a place I will go into in more detail later, but for now I will say that it is one of the focal points of my world, and is a very special place, not quite the usual sort one finds in the 'normal' world.

As a side note - I frequently lucid dream, and most recently I have found myself testing the boundaries between the worlds. When I realize I am probably dreaming the quickest way to confirm it is if I can fly, I'm dreaming ;-) Once I'm sure, then I continue (or not) depending on the circumstances at the time. If I choose to wake I can often return to the same place later to continue the story.

Now to the reason I finally began this; I recently had a terrifying dream in which I saw the end of civilization as we know it. I have had many post-apocalyptic dreams over the years, starting when I was too young to know the meaning of the word. Worlds where we were in a baby ice age, preceded by massive flooding which destroyed most of the bridges, effectively isolating pockets of humanity. More detail in later posts. This recent dream was more of a vision that seemed to be from the perspective of several different people and takes place over many years. It starts with mysterious disappearances where only skeletal remains are found. It takes place in our common world, not in my alternate world.

Gradually the cause becomes apparent - vents are opening in the ground, expelling extremely hot and highly corrosive gas and smoke, and anyone who happens to be unlucky enough to be nearby is incinerated almost instantly. Initially the vents stop spewing their lethal cargo after a short while, but that is only the beginning. After a few months they begin to open in increasing numbers, first in the country where they are not noticed immediately, but then they begin to erupt in the city, and the death toll rapidly becomes enormous. The first person whose perspective I follow - Inez, an immigrant working as a maid in a high rise - does not survive. However, she makes a record of what she observes and manages to stash it in a cave before she dies. It is found by survivors later, and becomes their sole historical link to their past. Though she is not a hero, her journal gives the new world people some idea of what happened, as many of them don't have clear memories due to the lengthy trauma of the disaster. Barely 2 million people survive worldwide. Civilization must start afresh.

In the more northerly regions on the edge of the ice people take over schools and other large surviving buildings to serve as community housing. A sort of socialist feudalism becomes the norm. No one person is in charge in any given community, but individual talents are used to decide who does what. If one has no particular skill, one helps out in whatever way is needed to earn ones keep. Barter and self sufficiency are the only way to survive.

Trade between these communities is difficult and sometimes dangerous, as there are some people who inevitably turn to banditry - often in snow-mobile driving bands. Due to the reduced population the worlds surviving wildlife has made a comeback, and wolves and bears make traveling any distance risky. Most of the people hunt, but as they are also hunted they rarely venture out alone. A few make their peace with the animals and live in the woods, rarely venturing out to trade herbs and wood to the communities. It is a hard life for all, but it is possible to survive if one is willing to work hard and can keep ones wits.

The cold is so intense in the north that the ocean freezes, making it possible, though dangerous, to cross from one continent to another. Rope lines are implanted in the ice as guides, and every twenty miles or so little rest stops are set up to give the hardy travelers a place to eat, sleep, restock or, occasionally, set up housekeeping with the locals.

Enough for now. It is, after all, a start.